Heartbroken

I feel as if all the promises that you made are gone now

You ever notice how sand is real, it is solid, it is there. Until the wind comes and picks it up like it is nothing. That's what all of your promises have been to me. 

Best friends to nothing in less than a year. In fact in less than a summer. 

How sad, pathetic, and jank is that? 

I have to become used to the fact tht no matter how alone I feel I have one person who will never let me down or desert me. 

His words aren't like the sands of time and his promises never sink. 

Stress & Mess

I don’t even know what’s going on with me anymore
Everyday I wake up stressed out and sore
I go to school to deal with people
Stuck up, young, old, and feeble
I deal with attitudes, with anger, with rage
Every single day I tiredly flip the page
I know that my book can’t hardly be finished
I want a new chapter, that’s all that I wish
I wish to get away from the haters, the jerks.
From the people who think they’re better than you when really
They are on the exact same level.
I want to get away from the people who use “i love you” loosely
They want me for what I can give them
Answers.
Tutoring.
Assignments.
Help.
They don’t want me for me.
I am tired of it.
Tired of waiting for someone to come around that actually cares about what I can do
Who I am.
What I want to be.
What I will become.
I am waiting for a person at my school to finally realize
That if they are going to change a lightbulb they have to turn their hand
because the world doesn’t revolve around them.
I want people to stop talking about me when all I do is put on a brave face and power through
I want friends that are real friends
Guys that can make me laugh until it hurts to breathe
I want to be happy.
And as soon as I write these essays, dot my i’s, cross my t’s..
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.

Whenever and Wherever

You've gotten a lot farther away...
Seemingly because of the many months that we didn't talk
So far away that even my reach can't bring you back
Back to the times where we were inseperable
Where our friendship was incomparable
and where "Incomparable" was a song you introduced me to
You don't know how many times our old friendship has helped me through times
How can that be? Readers might ask
How can an old friendship help someone if it is exactly as the name implies... "Old"
"Used"
"History"
Well, emails and IM's explain it all
From hours upon hours of conversations
Countless inside jokes
Countless games of Tic-Tac-Toe and Connect Four
So many emails that the folder specifically labeled for your emails is overfilled.
See what I mean?
Those times when I didn't have anyone to talk to
When I needed a smile like you were always willing to provide
I just read our conversations
and they never fail
Whenever I needed a boost
of encouragement
of self esteem
of my future plans
I read our emails and every nice thing you ever said
Even if I had to search long and hard for it
I read every cheesy pick up line that at one point we came up with
Every competition we had whether it was Marvel vs. DC or Asians vs. Hispanic
When bad memories came flooding back from family problems
I looked at all of the funny pictures that we sent back and forth for weeks
See what I mean?
Wherever I was
Whether hours away from home or 30 minutes away,
remembering our friendship always brought me straight back home
Cheesy I know..
From all the "Your Mom" jokes
to even jokes that made no sense
You stood by every stupid thing I said and I corrected the countless grammar mistakes that you committed...
I miss you buddy....
I really haven't had many friends like you...
And I don't think you realize how much I appreciate the fact that you were there when no one else was.
That you were the first guy in a long time that I considered a best friend.
Whenever I needed you, you were there.
And whenever you need me, whether now or in the future, I'll be there too mi amigo.
Peace out, Kare

August 31st, 2012

I thought I didn't love him.
I thought that ruining my life and breaking my heart would make me hate him forever
Then I see the look in my brother's eyes.
The sadness from seeing the life of your father ebb away in your arms.
Today marks the one year anniversary of a day that will forever be inscribed in our minds.
A man who I knew as the only father who told me he loved me.
A man who called me a princess and at times treated me like one.
A man that I grew to respect, his word became law and his eyes could be kind.
The fights came and took over
Like a fire they burned down whatever forest we had left.
His words cut through tendons and flesh and straight to our hearts.
I wasn't good enough
Not important enough
I was one of four daughters.
My brother the only son.
I love my dad.
I loved the way that he could make me laugh no matter what he said
I loved the way that he held me when I needed to go to sleep.
He comforted me.
He taught me about anything that I wanted to know.
He tried his best to give me everything that I wanted.
At times I disrespected him
I went against his orders
I called him names
I called his older cars trash and was embarrassed to see myself in them.
My friends would come over, I would limit any exposure they had to him.
It hurt him a lot.
It hurt him even more when we moved away and I cut off any contact I had.
I cut off any life we could have had.
My dad became invisible, nonexistant.
A ghost that came back to haunt us with missed payments and bad memories.
Three years passed, my dad's health was failing.
I knew he wasn't going to last much longer.
I pretended it didn't hurt.
Only my stepdad after all.
The one who raised me and claimed me as his own.
What did it matter to me if he were dying?
If his body was getting too old to take care of itself?
I saw the toll it took on my brother.
Taking care of his dad and having to deal with things no child should deal with.
Still he pushed on.
My baby brother had more courage than I did.
He had more faith in a man that had hurt us more than once.
My baby brother had more love in a man who messed with our feelings for more than 10 years.
It came to the point where Daddy couldn't move any more.
He had guard rails everywhere and the house was a wreck
My childhood home.
Where my knees got scraped on our gravel driveway.
Where our wagon flipped over and gave my brother a scar on his forehead
Where we had over 10 dogs and named each and every single one of them
where we woke up to a rooster and fell asleep to the crickets
The place that showed us a sign of belonging somewhere in this twisted world
That childhood home had two meanings however.
The other was the home that became my mother's prison.
Where she wasn't allowed to do anything without permission
Where she and my father fought about everything.
Saying words that shouldn't be said
Thinking thoughts that shouldn't have been thought
And in my father's case, talking to other women that were not my mother.
That house was like a safe haven in the middle of a battlefield.
Like a dungeon that was part of a castle in a sky
My room was the only place where I could curl up in a corner, put my hands over my ears, and try to drown out the bullets and the pain.
This house represents now the place that my dad took his final breath
When my brother held him in his arms.
My baby brother resuscitated my dad several times before life was taken away for the last time.
His last few breaths were taken in my baby brother's arms
and still my brother didn't give up.
I thought I hated this man.
But the moment I got that call.
My heart froze.
This man had loved me for over half my life.
and I thought I hated him.
But that day that he died.
I haven't cried so much in my life.
Friends comforted me but NONE of them knew how I felt.
To have completely missed out on an opportunity to love a family member that made so many mistakes
To have missed out on the fact that I have only had one true father, and my stepdad was it.
My friends tried but none understood my mistake.
I hated a person that only ever loved me.
To this very day I put up this mask.
"I don't care"
"Whatever"
" He was nothing to me"
When in reality, I think about him every day
He had his faults, many of them.
He treated us like crap
Be what he was, he was my father.
And today marks the one year anniversary of when he closed his eyes and never awoke again.
Today marks the day that I failed at the mission that God had put me up to. To change this man's life.
I can't stop thinking of all the regrets that I have.
Of disrespecting and ignoring my "other life"
Of disgust and of un-forgiveness.
I just feel so held back all the time.
From the same feelings of anger and of asking the question: "Why?"
My first step is remembering the good times and forgiving him for all the bad ones.
I love you Daddy.

Problematic

I think probably the biggest problem that I have in today's time is the fact that I care too much about what people say behind my back or what people think.
Constantly worrying
Constantly thinking
What do they think?
Am I liked?
Am I popular?
I keep asking myself the same questions over and over,
Ultimately it leads to the question of:
"Why can't I just STOP caring about what they are saying?"

Why can't I just stop giving them something to think bad about?
I need to stop gossiping, I need to stop being a jerk to every new person that I meet.
Definitely I need to work on allowing more people to see the real me and not the facade that I put up.
I need to let people change who I am and not just who I want to be.


I NEED TO BE NICE.

Goal Number One... Authenticated and SET INTO MOTION.

Life & Love..

So guys,

Haven't actually talked to you guys in a while...
Lots of things have went down..
My not-so-steady relationship of 7 months crashed and burned... How do I feel about that?
Let you know when I catch my breath..
My family problems haven't really gotten any better and now that school is starting up again, more stress for everyone...
Religiously, I haven't been as focused.... more focused on the popularity and the hanging out than I was in God....
Finally, financially worrying about the future... and all the things I will NOT be able to afford..
Catching my drift guys?
But I am slowly getting more and more positive..
I am going to start reading more of my bible
I am going to start respecting my mother and loving my brother
I am going to study my rear end off to get those scholarships
I am going to maintain my single status because, frankly speaking, I KNOW I am not ready for a relationship yet.
I am going to be a good listener, a good friend, an even better daughter and sister, and I am going to pray all day every day.

Change needs to come soon, it can not come soon enough.

Pray for me guys!
Peace out.
Kary

Btw... Did you know that
.......the Twinkie was invented during the Depression by Chicagoan Jimmy Dewar, at the time, manager of Chicago's Continental Baking Company. It was called "Twinkie" after Dewar spotted an ad for Twinkle Toe Shoes.

Also,
Enjoy this poem from sometime in the 8th grade... SO long ago.... My mom is NOT dead btw.....

P.P.S. Tip of the Day: Studying should be done in the quiet of a special studying place, not with an angry hispanic family surrounding you like wolves on prey. Pick a spot that represents concentration to you, stick with music that will help you focus and that you really don't know the words to, and take short breaks to help keep you even more focused. Turn off any distractions and make sure the light is bright enough to see the material but not too bright as to give you a headache.

The day my mom died

The world just lost its gleam

But somewhere deep inside

I knew I had to be

The day my mom died

The tears became a stream

I knew that I was left behind

To help others, so it seems.

I never used to see life

As a precious thing

But after my mom died

It was a precious thing indeed

My friends became my family

My enemies became my friends

My dog became my spirit’s path

To all a hand I’d lend

My school became my home from home

My love spread over all

My smile, directed to everyone

Not once did I let them fall

I stood tall by the grievers

For I knew how they felt

I knew that when you’re happy

No one can break you down

I also knew it takes not much

To bring you to the ground

That’s when you needed someone

Like who I was those years

Because after my mother died

I changed to catch others tears

Although no one was there for me

No one to catch my falls

No one to comfort me in times

When I had no one at all

I still stand strong for all around

I cradle those in pain

I still lead those and make a sound

Toward those lost in the rain

I still share feelings and share my sobs

With those that suffered through

I still today work for the good

Of all, who were alone too

I try to show me in what I do

And always show respect

No matter who they are

Or what they have done

Or how they treated you

Or how they smile

Or how they laugh

Or even how they do everything with a purpose

That makes it weird to you.

After the day my mother died

I grew fast to find out

That life is only life

One time

One single curvy route

I figured if you lived your best

And always did things right

Then maybe when you leave this earth

You’ll leave behind your light

My mother died a summer day

That day I remember still

That day she nestled close to me

And told me of the pills

The pills she took to ward the pain

Off from her damaged self

The pills she took that made her cry

That made her lose her sense

The pills that kept me wondering

How is that good at all?

When you leave this earth of green

That’s how you leave your call

That’s the memory you leave behind

To others in your wake

That’s how you leave behind your past

To others you’re a fake

The day my mother died

I learned to see real life

I learned to love all of the things

That others kept in strife

I learned that family

Doesn’t’ make up you

They don’t determine what you’ll be

They don’t show what you’ll grow to do

Or can’t look and know what to see

That’s why I learned to love and give

To all within my reach

To never hate

Or to show off

Or smile in greed at all

To always let my light shine out

To others wind or fall

I learned to reach all to the stars

To reach until I can’t

To never neglect or forget

The dreams that I hold dear

To always keep up with goals I’ve met

One year after a year

The day my mom died

Life became a gift

A gift I had no problem opening

Or share with others for a lift

The day my mom died

I knew I had to be

The one who stood, proud and strong,

And helped others to see

I never saw Life as a precious thing

Until my mother died

But afterwards, believe my thoughts

Life was a present , with love on the side

"Ragged and Redeemed" Part Five

-->

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I held Nick’s hand as we both stood there crying…our mom was being taken away to a hospital and we still didn’t know why. I definitely did not want to go with her, the hospital brings back too many memories, of mom lying still again and again. I still didn’t know where dad was and you don’t care taunted a voice inside my head.  I shook away that thought and instead focused on Nick.

“Little bro? You ok?” Nick looked up at me and what I saw in his eyes scared me. “Melly” he said, his little voice shaking “Mommy is the only family we got left, if Mommy goes to heaven then all we will have is Daddy. Melly, I don’t wanna be alone with him ever again…never again.” I wiped away the onslaught of tears that came from both his eyes and mine. I sat down next to him, and he put his arms around me. We sat like that for a while.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I watched Melinda fighting her emotions on her front porch. She was looking down at Nick and she looked more torn with every word. The little boy finished what he was saying and began to cry. As Melinda began to cry also, the tenderness and pain written on her face blew me away. I had never seen anyone that could display multiple emotions in just one flash. I felt a tug on both hands and looked down to see Ty and Austin by my side. I patted their dark brown heads and when they looked up at me, their blue eyes held a mixture of curiosity and seriousness.

“Matt” Ty said “You aren’t going to believe what mom’s going to do” Austin pitched in “but I think you’ll like it” Ty interrupted “and so will we!” They both giggled and ran through the rapidly dwindling crowd when I lifted my eyebrows and took a menacing step forward. I was curious now because sometimes, mom does things that I do not understand.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I talked to Nick. I told him I would never let dad hurt him again. I held him by my side when a movement caught my eye. I looked up and saw Matt in the almost empty street with his twin brothers. I saw the love and amusement as he listened to them talk. They started running away and laughing when he took a scary step in their direction. I laughed inwardly at the love and protectiveness he had with them. He looked up and held my gaze for a second. His brown eyes and his steady gaze melted something inside me. Someone touched my shoulder and I jumped, breaking the connection between Matt and I. I stood up and turned, with Nick by my side. I found a tall lady with hazel colored eyes looking steadily at me. Something about her face triggered recognition.

“Hello Melinda” she said with a wide smile. I got the feeling that she hadn’t smiled for a good reason for a long time. “ I am Matt’s mother, Marian”

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Melinda’s green eyes pierced my own until I thought I would have to break it up any second. Someone touched her shoulder and she jumped. She turned around and gave me a clear view of who was talking…my mother. 

“We told you! You wouldn’t believe us” Tyler said. The Austin added “And we like it because Nicks gonna be able to spend the night” Then they both said “and so will M-E-L-I-N-D-A!!!!!!” They turned and dashed away as I glared after them. My mom would definitely not do that…would she??? “And here is my son Matt….

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am quite sure you two have met??” Marian said. As she spoke to me on the porch, I had found out how extremely nice and down to earth she was. She greeted me like I was her own daughter, she had warm and comforting words for me, and she made me forget everything bad for just a moment. For a minute I wished she were my mother. We then walked towards Matt and when she asked if we had met I recalled an image of him bumping his head.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t think she meant to smile, but I am sure glad she did. She looks beautiful when she smiles. My mother’s voice jolted me out of my thinking. “Matt? Melinda? Obviously you two have met, so please show Melinda home, and get all three boys to go with you too. They are spending the night with us for a while. Now head on home you two while I get some things cleared up with the neighbors.” I nodded and she smiled at both of us. I beckoned with a deep bow to Melinda and then I yelled “TYLER!! AUSTIN!!!” Melinda opened her mouth and yelled “NICK!!!” just as loudly.

                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Matt’s little brother Tyler came barreling across my front yard with Austin and Nick not far behind. They all rammed into Matt with their shoulders. He staggered with an “OOf” but stayed standing. “Whoo” he exclaimed and the boys laughed. “Ty, Austin, Nick” he said as they began to show signs of beginning to run again. “Look both ways before crossing okay??” All three nodded. “Nick, you  gotta see our room! It is awesome!!” Austin gushed. They raced across the street not giving us a backwards glance. “They never listen to me” Matt said “But I love ‘em anyways”. I nodded silently feeling kinda awkward. I then realized, that all along they lived straight across the street !

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ragged and Redeemed" Part Four

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“MOM!!” I screamed in panic. Nick started to cry again and I shushed him hysterically.

“MOM!!!” I felt her neck for a pulse. Nothing.

“ MOM!!!!!!!” I yelled and I started crying also “Nick call 911” and I went back to her side.

“Mom” I whispered “MOM DON’T LEAVE ME!” “Melly” Nick whispered holding the portable phone out to me

“Melly they wants you to talk, not me” I wiped my eyes and took two deep breaths. “Nick , stay by mommy’s side okay?” I patted his light brown head and took the phone from him.

“This is Melinda” I said my voice shaking “I am Nick’s older sister”.

“Ma’am we need you to tell us what is wrong. Is she breathing? Check her mouth for any poison residue or anything she could have choked on. DO NOT MOVE HER AT ALL. Do you understand?” I nodded mutely then realized she couldn’t see me.

“I understand” I said breaking out in tears again

 “ Good girl, now just stay on the line and we are sending an ambulance right now” My mom’s life depended on me.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was still reeling from the fact that my dad contacted us after EIGHT YEARS. But if my mom was happy…..then I should be too. I mean we are going to get help with the bills and my mom is finally going to get a break, one that she hasn’t gotten for 8 years. Not only would Tyler and Austin get better, but I wouldn’t have to live with the fact that my brothers and I wouldn’t go to college, or that a couple more months of this and they might have never gotten better. So looking toward my humming mother’s point of view, this was relief, plain and simple relief…

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I did exactly what the 911 operator told me to do. With a shaking hand I checked her mouth and found no residue and nothing that could have caused her to choke. “There is no residue and there is no choking hazard” I told the woman. I checked her pulse and I found nothing, dead nothing.

“ There is no pulse” I said “ THERE IS NO PULSE” I screamed “MY MOTHER HAS NO FREAKIN PULSE”

 “Ma’am calm down, if your mother is still alive, we need you there to help us out, now breathe in ma’am and continue telling us things.” I took a couple of deep breaths and looked for breathing.

“Wait……” I said looking very closely “I think…….”  “Yes? Ma’am? Please finish” There it was. A very slight movement, her chest rose so faintly that I had not noticed it before.

 My mother is alive” I whispered to the lady.

 “Okay Ma’am the ambulance is on its way, just stay with your mother and do not move her.”

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An ambulance siren woke me up from the couch where I had fallen asleep. “And now on to Lana Ross” said the announcer on the news channel. I stretched, turned off the small T.V. and went to check on Tyler and Austin. They were gone.

”Mom?! Ty?! Austin?!” I called out and the echo in the empty apartment sounded weird. Then I noticed the flashing lights outside the window. I rushed out the open door running outside. I noticed a lot of people crowded around an ambulance in front of a house just across the street. I saw Mom, Ty, and Austin in the crowd. Before they disappeared again, I rushed through the crowd and made it to the rest of my family. That is when I noticed Melinda and her little brother Nick standing in the doorway, crying, as they watched a woman being wheeled out on a stretcher. As soon as she was in the ambulance, the doors closed and the ambulance left, sirens sounding.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ragged and Redeemed" Part Three

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember the first day I saw Melinda. She had a black eye and several bruises littered her arms. In spite of all that, she was still beautiful, smiling, and surrounded by friends. For one second, as I sat down in Language arts, our eyes met and her green eyes showed kindness and a guarded feeling that I couldn’t read. She looked away to respond to a skinny blonde and then sat down at the front as our teacher walked in.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First day of 6^th grade. I saw a new kid today. Pretty cute guy. For that split second that my eyes met his, I felt safe, surrounded by his warm brown eyes. My right eye keeps throbbing, dad came home extra drunk last night. But thank god that all he did was beat me. Nick is still safe from that monster, although we had to find a new place to hide him since dad found the last one. This morning when we walked to school, Nick smiled at me, a smile that lit up his whole face. “Sis, I love you” he said and I almost burst out in tears right there. If only he knew….. Nick ran the rest of the way to school, he has two new friends, twin friends, Tyler and Austin. I am still smiling over those little words that made a big difference. I may be only 11 but I love my brother and will protect him, Even if I am protecting him from our father.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

School was pretty interesting today. I actually made a friend today! His name is Chad and he seems really cool Chad told me about Melinda, the green eyed girl. She has a little brother, Nick, who I hear, from Tyler and Austin, is one cool little dude. I asked Chad about her many bruises. Chad’s eyes looked down and he whispered to me “She always says something happened at one of her sport practices, but no one believes it. She is a very nice girl, and the most popular one around, but no one dares to ask her the truth. She seems okay but no one knows.” The bell rung for the end of the day, I told him bye and rushed out of the room. I collided with someone and gave myself a whack on the head with an open locker.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I am SO sorry” the New guy said while rubbing his head. I choked down a laugh, my books were scattered all over the place and despite me being on the floor and embarrassed, I began picking up my books. The new guy gave his head another rub, then kneeled down and began to pick up my stuff also. The hallway slowly started to empty as kids rushed home and out of the dreaded school. The silence was deafening and I silently cursed my ability to overstuff and overcarry. “I’m sorry” he said again as the number of books on the floor slowly dwindled. “Its okay” I replied, my voice echoing in the hallways “Hows your head?”  He winced “ I might have lost a couple thousand brain cells, but oh well I have no use for them anyways. Its all good”

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She laughed a tinkling laugh and I finally picked up her last book. “Whew” she said and stood up. She rubbed her elbow and inspected another forming bruise. “At least this one is actually from falling down” she murmured out loud. I stayed silent, not knowing what to say as her face became one in shock. “Did I just say that out loud?” she whispered. One look at my face answered that question, for a second I saw fear nestling in her eyes.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I could not believe I said that out loud. For one minute, I laughed with him, I bonded with him, relaxing like I never have with anyone, then I had to speak my thoughts. I almost told him my secret, almost spoke of my pain. He stood there mutely still. I told him thanks and bye and then I walked down the hall to the door, tears forming in my eyes. “My names Matt by the way” he said behind me, I turned around and I found him looking straight at me, understanding in his eyes. “Mines Melinda” I yelled back. He smiled and ran out of the door at the other end of the hallway. I stood at the door, for I don’t know how long. If I had been with another of my “friends” , they would have never left me alone, but Matt….

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

accepted me. She didn’t ask questions or talk about anything about me. She just talked to me…but then that murmured sentence that I caught, her spoken confession. Something is wrong with Melinda, and I want to know who would hurt her…but what about Nick? Why isn’t he bruised? Why is he always happy?? So many questions about her, none of which I can ever ask. I finally got home, and for once in as long as I could remember, my mother was not only cooking, but she was smiling too. Tyler and Austin were doing their homework when I stepped in the door and then my mom came over to me and sat me down. Tyler and Austin looked over at me with eager eyes and my mom began:

“Matt….your father contacted Meg today…” She must have seen a flicker of pain or annoyance because she spoke in an even quieter voice “ He said he is getting married again, but he is also going to pay me child support”. Her eyes lit up and a smile transformed her tired face. “Matt, he is going to help us pay for everything…everything!”

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am still thinking about Matt, he didn’t even bother me when I let out that piece of guarded information. I could see the questions in his eyes but he still didn’t ask and inside, I thank him for that. I made it home with Nick, and that’s when I noticed how quiet he was. “Nick” I asked “ Are you okay little buddy?” He turned away from me,  his eyes looking down. I got on my knees and held his face in my hands. That’s when I noticed the bruise on one side of his head. He started to cry, “ Daddy found me Melly, he found me this morning when you were in the bathroom. I tried to tell him to stop, but he said I was a bad boy and I deserved it. I didn’t do nothing Melly.” He put his arms around my neck and held on tight as he cried. I clenched my fist in anger and I heard myself saying “Nick, there is nothing wrong with you, you are one of the best boys I know , you have done nothing wrong, You hear me??” He nodded and I wiped away his tears. We walked to the door and found dad gone and mom on the ground.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was complete silence in the room, Tyler and Austin returned to their homework when I stuttered out

“T-That’s great Mom, it really is”. I have never seen mom smile from ear to ear like she did now. Then she headed back to the kitchen to resume cooking. I think I even heard her humming!

"Ragged and Redeemed" Part 2

I came home from school one day, this was when I was 8, with Tyler and Austin, to find our beat up Chevy pick up piled up with our belongings in the driveway, A pink sheet on our door said

       “EVICTION NOTICE: leave immediately prior to three days of receiving this”

My mother revved the engine and beckoned Tyler, Austin, and I into the cab. We asked no questions, it would be about the 10^th time we moved because our mother had failed to pay the bills. It was nothing new. I had just begun to like this town and we were yet again moving to stares, disgust, pity and newness.  The town after this new one was where my real story began, 4 years later.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dad came home after 4 or 5 days to Mom’s worried and disgusted cries, and to Nick and my silence. He came home sick, with red rimmed eyes, messed up hair, rumpled clothes, and some forgotten anger. My father was a gentle father in the beginning, but not after this day. My mother wouldn’t shut up. She kept asking him questions like “Where were you?? What happened to you? Why do you smell like liquor?? What is wrong with you??” and this was when my dad began his history of abuse, when he drew back his hand and slapped my mother across the cheek. The noise seemed to echo in my head and I felt Nick’s shuddering cries. I looked down and saw him sobbing silently into my shirt. I had forgotten he was there, I gently guided him back to my room. Walking down the hallway with my mom’s shaking sobs and my father’s whispered apologies behind me…… Throughout the next four years were torture. The only safe place was school, home being a hell on earth. Mom didn’t look the same and Dad didn’t either. All those hospital trips, all those cries, all those hits, all those shouts. He began beating me too, easily at first when I didn’t do something right, but harder after a while. The beatings started when I was 9 and went on still when I turned 11.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We moved into a small apartment 4 years after the other town. The apartment had only two bedrooms and one bathroom. My mom took one and the twins and I shared another. Bill and Meg both took residence at a friend’s house for a couple of months, they were leaving for college soon anyways. This new town was pretty. They had a good school and a park right next to it. Immediately, Tyler and Austin made friends, while I stayed a loner, as always. Until I met Melinda, in my first day, in Language arts. This was in the year I turned 11 and Tyler and Austin were both about to turn 7.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nick went to sleep crying as time progressed. Not only was mom and I getting beaten, but Dad started something new on both of us. He started sexually abusing me and my mother. I would try to fight, because my mother had given up fighting, but I couldn’t get away. It was horrible, it made my skin crawl, whenever he would touch me in one of his drunken hazes. Most of the bad nights, when dad was overloaded to the brim with alcohol, or a new favorite pastime of his, meth, he would stumble through the house yelling at the top of his lungs. I would hide Nick in the closet and pile old clothes on top of him. “go to sleep buddy” I would whisper although my voice would be quaking a little bit. Nick, now 7 years old, would nod, blow me a kiss, and immediately drift off.  Then dad would come in, swaggering and stumbling, with a stank  breath and a scary grin. This was when he would give me nightmares for weeks to come, I knew it was no use to struggle, he would just break something to keep you from moving. So I just stayed still and hoped he that the alcohol would take its toll and he would fall asleep. Then I would go take a shower, scrubbing extra hard, because maybe, just maybe, the soap could have wiped away all the memories and all the hurt, pain, and humiliation. You may be saying, he can’t have just started up like that in a couple of weeks, but he did. Once you’re hooked on something, YOU ARE HOOKED. Like my dad was. But through the beating, through the nightmares, through the touchiness, and through the pain, at least I knew that the only angel in my life, Nick, was safe.

"Ragged and Redeemed" - A book written by ME.. Part One.

What would you say if I told you that I am in love with a girl from 8 years ago. A girl that changed my life as I changed hers…

                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What if I told you that I had been abused at the age of 9  and sexually abused at the age of 11. Or what if I told you that 8 years ago I trusted no one, not even myself. What if, 8 years ago, a boy came along that changed my life forever.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My name is Matt and I am in love with a girl from long ago.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My name is Melinda and this is my story. My life. My words.

                                           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I come from a family of seven. A single mom, 4 brothers, 1 sister and me. Our father left us when I was 3, when Mark, the oldest, was 12., and when Bill and Meg, the twins and next oldest were 7.  I guess my mom is too strong to admit that the bills are coming down hard. With Mark at college , and Bill and Meg on the way, there is no way to pay.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am one out of two children. My parents are together but that’s not saying much. I think that my mind is forever scarred from their arguments, the beatings, their words. I have a little brother, Nicholas, and (before my dad beat him to death) had a dog named Perry.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have two younger brothers, twin brothers, Tyler and Austin. They are both 4 and growing up fast. But on with the story, as you know my family is struggling. We are slowly sinking our roots into poverty and I am scared for Tyler and Austin. By now they think it is normal to have one or two meals a day and to weigh way less than they are supposed to. It tears my heart apart to see their full smiles and shining eyes and bony bodies. I haven’t seen Mark in 4 years and my twin sister and brother , Meg and Bill, and working around the clock to help support mom and help pay for their tuition. My world is falling down…..

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We used to be a happy family, one with whom I felt safe enough to sleep with an unlocked door at night. Then came the day that dad experienced the real night life, full of drugs, sex, and alcohol. My mom didn’t suspect anything at first. Dad stayed after at work a lot of times. But one night he didn’t come home. My mom can be clingy sometimes, so she called the architect firm he works with only to hear this:

  “I’m sorry ma’am but we fired your husband 4 days ago. He wasn’t showing up for work and none of his doctor visits checked out. We excused him ma’am, so sorry”

The man hung up the phone and left my mom looking off into the distance with the dial tone ringing in the silence. She cleared her throat and told me to take Nick to my room. I grasped his little hand and we both walked to the room. He must have sensed something wrong because he said not a word and he went to sleep quickly and quietly. If we had looked behind us, we would have seen my mother crying on her knees. From then on I knew nothing was going to be the same again. By this time I was 8 and Nick was 4.

Between The Trees - Changed By You

This song is exactly what I am feeling, I am changed by so many people and I just can't let them go. I just can't let God go, I am blessed to have the opportunity to be close to him.

Love is..

Love is like driving with no directions. You are bound to make mistakes and take turns on dead end roads. When you do you turn back around continue on and learn from your mistakes. Eventually you will get to your destination and when you do, it'll be the best time of your life. 

Aliyah

I have the cutest and funniest suitemate. She is a crackhead but it's her. She has a OTP with her Indian eye candy and is just wow. 

Broken

My heart is broken.. Almost gone. Done with to where I am having to hide my years and my tears. To where fire and ice seem like a better end than a broken heart. To where the ways of this world have taken over and made me feel useless. Worthless. Stupid. 

Why is it so painful?

I never ever understood why the bible asks us to wait until marriage to have sex. I do now. Can you imagine telling your future wife/husband, a person whom you are so deeply in love with that no one else matters, that you had that first special moment with someone in the past? I try to imagine that and every time my heart just breaks. Not even going as deep as marriage, just dating can be heartbreaking sometimes. Try going to school with the ex and you'll see what I mean. Not going to go into any details, maybe later in a poem I wrote that night, But just trust me when I say that it wasn't the best situation to be in.. It hurt all three sides and had some repercussions on people not even involved. Drama is NOT my middle name. Believe me readers when I say that I was taught to treat all the same, I may not like some people, I may love others, but I'm supposed to treat them the same. When my boyfriend talks to me though, it just gives me chills when I think of what he is comparing me to every time that he looks at me, call it being self conscious, call it being insecure, I call it something that many girls have to struggle through. That feeling that you may not measure up, that he says he loves you now but just wait until later when something better comes along..... Depressing right? I don't know how some people do this, but an old youth leader at an old church sends out daily texts. Some days I read them, other times I don't. The times I choose to read them, they turn out to be everything that I could have ever wanted at that moment. In this specific one it basically says not to worry, to hand all of my worries over to the only one who can handle them and hold me all in one hand. Breathtaking isn't it? Girls, be happy and be proud. If you have a guy that you love as much as I love mine, Cherish every single moment that you have with him.. You never know when it could all be torn away from you.......

Tip of the day: Sing as if no one is listening, Dance as if no one is watching, and love as if you were never hurt before. Some strong words that I think every one needs to live by.. Added to that is pray as if the only ones around are you and God.. Have a great week readers and start it off on the right foot despite your circumstances.

Interesting Fact of the Day: The slowest-flying birds in the world are the American and Eurasian woodcocks, which both impressively manage to avoid falling out of the sky while flying at only 5mph during their elaborate courtship routines.....Even on a bad day.. when I am sore and tired and grumpy.. I can walk faster than that... Wow......


Again readers have a great week, I suggest checking out James 1 and 2 for this week and also live life to the fullest telling everyone you see the great news. Love you guys :)

Love,
Karen

Art Auction

Hey there faithful readers ;)

Hope your week has been full of fun and exercise.. I know mine has. After regrettably jogging on Tuesday, my tired old body has had a hard time  keeping up with stairs and class schedules and all of that >_< Haha but anyways you guys, as fantastic as this week has been all good things have to come to an end. I did participate in an art auction today, despite NOT being part of the art club I helped with every aspect of setting up that auction and it was fantastic! I even won a (?)Pasta salad photograph.. Quite.....deep.... full of...depth.. and deepness. You get my point, so many tantalizing words to say and so little time. Anyways, from this exercising and even further walking today... This girl's body is about to give out. I am so exhausted! I guess it doesn't help that people around me are getting annoyed and just messing with my emotions...Sometimes it sucks being a teenage girl, then I remember no matter how young I am, I can change the world one changed life at a time. Tomorrow I am going to try to take a creative picture of my shoes....Why you may ask... Because if I send in a really cool picture of my shoes and I get chosen as a finalist I may have the opportunity to go on a mission trip to....*drumroll* GUATEMALA :D Do you know how amazing that would be if the Lord actually planned for me to go there? It would be so superb. Look at me throwing out all of those vocab words, this coming from the girl who has the SAT soon....*study mode activated*
All right guys, Enjoy the rest of your week, have a beautiful weekend, and never forget that Pitch Perfect is one of the best modern movies so far... I recommend it to other teenage girls..... yes guys you can watch it as well :)

Tip Of The Day: Get in shape while your body still allows it. Several people use motivating quotes, music, a workout partner, or even things posted inside and outside their fridge. As for me I use the bible and my hyperactive dog. Two factors that combine nicely to give me the proper motivation :)

Plain terrified......

Guys these past two weeks have been PRETTY fantastic.. Prom is actually coming up so that is one big thing I'm pumped about :) So... I am going to cheat a little bit and mention some countries JUST to make myself feel better when they read this blog post...You ready? Great Britain, Russia, Germany, Australia, China, New Zealand, Belgium, Japan, South Africa, Ghana, Italy, and Colombia......I'll let you guys know how this turns out..... Yeah yeah I was in need of a confidence boost... SO I had three sweaty guys come to my house... Sounds hot right? Well don't even think about it, they were the disgusting kind of like "Hold your nose and run" kinda sweat.. and one was my brother so hotness is completely taken out haha but anyways guys, Finals coming up and lemme tell you I am SUPER nervous. Any tips or any reassurances are definitely welcome...even if I can't read them I will know and feel that you are saying something and will feel extremely happy.....Cheesy i know i know. But anyways guys, God Bless, sleep tight. One more thing, If you ever meet one of those friends who you can talk to until the world falls apart.. Hold on to them.. Don't let them go, its a very foolish thing to do guys, Not speaking frm personal experience or anything >.>.......<.<...... Anyways guys that was the tip of the day!!!!

Interesting Fact of the Day: If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days you would have made enough sound energy to heat a cup of coffee... I think this finally discourages me from yelling considering its not worth it if I can't cook a taco... Do tacos even require cooking? Question of the day? No "Gosh Karen you're so stupid!!!" Comments either...Yes Mean girls reference, Back in Lohan's good days...

ANYWAYS,
For real this time guys, exhausted and still have bible studying to do. Pray for me guys and for America, people are in need all over the place guys... Oh one more thing.......I really really really want someone from the Netherlands to visit my page so lets see if mentioning their name does the trick...Netherlands... I know....My blog is a failure if I have to mention names for people to come. One can only dream ;) Ciao!

Music..

Guys, I'm reaching a point in my life.
Call it emotional puberty if you want, but I have been so moody for the past few days. It feels like everything is going the wrong way,
Again I've hit that humongous speed bump called AGE and life just slapped me across the face. Why do we have to grow older?
Whenever I feel like this guys, Just hopeless and just run down guys, just feeling as if crying is the only way to fix things.
I pray and pray and pray. I turn on my music and find myself slipping away to a world where voices are the only things that exist. Where the notes heal every broken heart and erase every scar.
I love my family, I love my life, but don't get me wrong. Sometimes I feel as if I will only belong someplace when I'm finally where I belong, with the only God here guys.
I just feel so hopeless. Call it the ramblings of a dramatic teenage girl, but I call it a startling realization. Call it a beginning life crisis, I call it everyday problems. No matter what I'm going through guys, I fall on this Earth guys and pray to the place that no human can reach. Just saying guys, ANY thing you need, ANY advice, ANY help, ANYthing, email me guys: karebear1319@aol.com
I know what it feels like to feel sucked in without a door out, I found the door guys :)
Off of that depressing topic though, Interesting Fact and Tip of the day
Tip Of The Day:
I know you've probably heard this more than a million gazillion times, Really guys a text message is not worth a life. When has a text message been worth losing your or someone else's life? NEVER. Just hold off texting while driving. Hold off changing the radio station or changing the AC. Texting while driving is one of the leading causes of deaths. That means that texting is one of the highest causes of an entire families' life RUINED. I can't even begin to think about how I would feel if any of my friends, especially my bestie with her own car, died while driving distracted. Gosh.

Anyways,
Interesting Fact of the Day
A donkey's eyes are placed SO precisely that it can see ALL four of its feet at once.... Pretty cool if you ask me.

Rolling.........2010

Hey guys! Sorry again that it's been so long!!! Hmm, what to say what to say... I love the fact that Shakira is now on the voice! That is my culture being represented!!! Oh yeah :D Another thing, everything has seemed to calm down school-wise with drama and all that jazz... I think that problems in most of the relationships I have are pretty straightened out. Guys be proud of me, I am busy applying to both scholarships and summer camps. It has kept me super duper busy I can go ahead and tell you! Idk you guys, the future just seems so difficult to conquer and go through. Who knows though, Funny story to tell though so enjoy. Today, my mom and I were driving along in our van and she was telling me embarrassing stories of my childhood, as all good mothers do. And we were both laughing our BUTTS off at a stoplight when suddenly we hear a car horn. The guys in the truck next to us were cracking up just because WE were cracking up.. At least we gave them a good time!!

Tip of the day: Lately guys, I have been experiencing either other people with self esteem issues or issues that I have found. Reading the bible just clears thing up guys because the thing is, God made you the way you are to fulfill his purpose. You are PERFECT in his eyes. 1 Samuel 16:7 (People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart) Guys, he looks at your heart. Whereas you may get these horrible, HORRIBLE comments from people about every little "imperfection," God just sees past everything because he MADE YOU. 

Interesting Fact of the Day: The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.