Live Life According to Dorcas

She was a seamstress who decided to use her talents and skills for the good and glory of God. She is the ONLY woman in the ENTIRE bible who was actually referred to as a DISCIPLE. How amazing is that?

She devoted her life to helping those that were less fortunate and had gone through struggles and trials throughout their lives. She showed unconditional love, so much so that when she died her room was filled with SEVERAL widows and SEVERAL mourners.

Her Life was used by God to both show faith, obedience, love, and how the Holy Spirit uses your spiritual gifts in amazing and awe-inspiring ways.

Whenever I am having an off day and I snap at someone or give my Mom a look... I need to start making it a habit to refer back to these women of faith, boldness, courage, and compassion. I need to mold and shape my life to fit the form that their lives took in the Bible.

One struggle I am facing right now is that of Jealousy. Whether it be jealous of a good grade or even of a relationship, my heart is getting hardened by the things and people that are around me. I am NOT acting like Dorcas in the fact that I am not showing compassion and love to the very people that I am envious of.

I need to get off of whatever carnival ride I am on, and get on the rollercoaster that God commands. It has its ups and downs but GOD IS COMPLETELY IN CONTROL.

That is all, Sleep well darlings <3 br="">

Inspiration

There are days that the feeling of giving up is the strongest
Maybe it's tackling an essay or dealing with a family member
Perhaps it is just the overall feeling of December
All I know is there are times I need a kind ear
I need someone whose words won't sear
I feel like those days are the worst
The ones that I feel have no worth
Fighting isn't the same as Resisting
And most of the days I am not winning
I feel like losing on purpose to Life
Like giving up everything to avoid all strife
I feel that those days are the ones on the bottom
Where I've gotten far down and still scraping the end
I am typing that message and about to hit "send"
I am working the courage to tell them all "no"
To Leave this country and not know where to go
To have the surprise, the suspense of unknown
To have all my adventures NOT out on loan
I want to leave now, to leave far, and leave fast.
But I know that those days are not all my best
They aren't realistic and aren't worth the test
Those dreams will all crash, and crumble, and fall
And leave me behind to build up a wall
Those days where my world crashes down all around
I listen, I wait, and I search for the sound
The sound inspiration makes as it rushes on by
The feeling it gives and I finally release a sigh
A sigh of relief as my problems make sense
As a new light is shone and the dirt gets all rinsed
Inspiration provides the hope of new days
Inspiration is found in the sun's brilliant rays
That "I" word is one that I constantly find
And at the end of a rough day, it helps me unwind.
As I pray and I look to the sky for new hope
I close my eyes and I know I can cope
My problems, my scars, my memories and I
Have no reason to ask that big question of "why?"
I know that I'm here for a reason He needs
I am here to plant among us those life-saving seeds
I just pray that with time, my friends understand
I'm not weird, I'm not crazy, I am just being his hand
Not having a father makes having one great.
Even greater still is that lifted-off weight.
Rambling I know but what else can I do?
I know, now you know the wondrous news.
Spread it, go tell it, to all that you see
Lift up HIS name, Don't mention me

Have faith in your Lord, his love never ends
He needs us as messengers, its us that he sends
To the ends of the earth, the poor and the broken
He wants his spirit in your body, AWOKEN.

AWAKE his spirit and EMBRACE his Love. REALIZE his grace and LOOK up above.

PRAY and READ the Word that he crafted, prayer without reading is DEAD.

God Bless :)

Where From Here?

Wow....... Almost half a year since I have been on here last..... To the two views a day that I am slowly accumulating, THAT IS LEGIT.

But anyways, I wanted to let you guys know what God is doing in my life.
He is putting people in my life that are testing every part of me, including my patience. I am slowly learning that the very forgiveness and love He shows ME is what I need to show everyone else around me.
Yesterday, a freshman was in a room all by himself. He had his head down and something tugged at my heart to go and speak to him. He didn't say much but I felt a love for him and what he was going through that kept me stationed there.
I am grateful for that interaction but unfortunately that one did not test my patience. My brother is one of the most annoying human beings every to be placed on this world, he is NOT stupid because God's creations are all beautiful but he definitely is annoying. THAT BOY is one of the reasons I have learned to control what I say in order to set an example so that he will begin to consider what he says even more.

As of now, I want God to start working in my life through the people I come in contact with and my academics.
Before, I did everything of my own power and have never been so stressed in my entire life. Knowing you have a God that can handle anything you give him is like knowing you are driving a car that will never break down. There is no worry because no matter what may handle, it is covered.

This is how I am and what I am trying to become, God-fearing, God-loving, and trying to let it show somewhere else other than on here.

Not to mention that I do have an amazing best friend who loves me for who he knows God can change me into. I hope and pray that God provides a future that will bring all the glory to him and hope even more that my best friend is wound and tied all up in the future that God has planned out perfectly.

I don't want to be a Jonah. I want to trust and believe in the one who made every cell in my body work together to help me live for every blessing He has provided.

God Bless Guys <3 br="">

Heartbroken

I feel as if all the promises that you made are gone now

You ever notice how sand is real, it is solid, it is there. Until the wind comes and picks it up like it is nothing. That's what all of your promises have been to me. 

Best friends to nothing in less than a year. In fact in less than a summer. 

How sad, pathetic, and jank is that? 

I have to become used to the fact tht no matter how alone I feel I have one person who will never let me down or desert me. 

His words aren't like the sands of time and his promises never sink. 

Stress & Mess

I don’t even know what’s going on with me anymore
Everyday I wake up stressed out and sore
I go to school to deal with people
Stuck up, young, old, and feeble
I deal with attitudes, with anger, with rage
Every single day I tiredly flip the page
I know that my book can’t hardly be finished
I want a new chapter, that’s all that I wish
I wish to get away from the haters, the jerks.
From the people who think they’re better than you when really
They are on the exact same level.
I want to get away from the people who use “i love you” loosely
They want me for what I can give them
Answers.
Tutoring.
Assignments.
Help.
They don’t want me for me.
I am tired of it.
Tired of waiting for someone to come around that actually cares about what I can do
Who I am.
What I want to be.
What I will become.
I am waiting for a person at my school to finally realize
That if they are going to change a lightbulb they have to turn their hand
because the world doesn’t revolve around them.
I want people to stop talking about me when all I do is put on a brave face and power through
I want friends that are real friends
Guys that can make me laugh until it hurts to breathe
I want to be happy.
And as soon as I write these essays, dot my i’s, cross my t’s..
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.

Whenever and Wherever

You've gotten a lot farther away...
Seemingly because of the many months that we didn't talk
So far away that even my reach can't bring you back
Back to the times where we were inseperable
Where our friendship was incomparable
and where "Incomparable" was a song you introduced me to
You don't know how many times our old friendship has helped me through times
How can that be? Readers might ask
How can an old friendship help someone if it is exactly as the name implies... "Old"
"Used"
"History"
Well, emails and IM's explain it all
From hours upon hours of conversations
Countless inside jokes
Countless games of Tic-Tac-Toe and Connect Four
So many emails that the folder specifically labeled for your emails is overfilled.
See what I mean?
Those times when I didn't have anyone to talk to
When I needed a smile like you were always willing to provide
I just read our conversations
and they never fail
Whenever I needed a boost
of encouragement
of self esteem
of my future plans
I read our emails and every nice thing you ever said
Even if I had to search long and hard for it
I read every cheesy pick up line that at one point we came up with
Every competition we had whether it was Marvel vs. DC or Asians vs. Hispanic
When bad memories came flooding back from family problems
I looked at all of the funny pictures that we sent back and forth for weeks
See what I mean?
Wherever I was
Whether hours away from home or 30 minutes away,
remembering our friendship always brought me straight back home
Cheesy I know..
From all the "Your Mom" jokes
to even jokes that made no sense
You stood by every stupid thing I said and I corrected the countless grammar mistakes that you committed...
I miss you buddy....
I really haven't had many friends like you...
And I don't think you realize how much I appreciate the fact that you were there when no one else was.
That you were the first guy in a long time that I considered a best friend.
Whenever I needed you, you were there.
And whenever you need me, whether now or in the future, I'll be there too mi amigo.
Peace out, Kare

August 31st, 2012

I thought I didn't love him.
I thought that ruining my life and breaking my heart would make me hate him forever
Then I see the look in my brother's eyes.
The sadness from seeing the life of your father ebb away in your arms.
Today marks the one year anniversary of a day that will forever be inscribed in our minds.
A man who I knew as the only father who told me he loved me.
A man who called me a princess and at times treated me like one.
A man that I grew to respect, his word became law and his eyes could be kind.
The fights came and took over
Like a fire they burned down whatever forest we had left.
His words cut through tendons and flesh and straight to our hearts.
I wasn't good enough
Not important enough
I was one of four daughters.
My brother the only son.
I love my dad.
I loved the way that he could make me laugh no matter what he said
I loved the way that he held me when I needed to go to sleep.
He comforted me.
He taught me about anything that I wanted to know.
He tried his best to give me everything that I wanted.
At times I disrespected him
I went against his orders
I called him names
I called his older cars trash and was embarrassed to see myself in them.
My friends would come over, I would limit any exposure they had to him.
It hurt him a lot.
It hurt him even more when we moved away and I cut off any contact I had.
I cut off any life we could have had.
My dad became invisible, nonexistant.
A ghost that came back to haunt us with missed payments and bad memories.
Three years passed, my dad's health was failing.
I knew he wasn't going to last much longer.
I pretended it didn't hurt.
Only my stepdad after all.
The one who raised me and claimed me as his own.
What did it matter to me if he were dying?
If his body was getting too old to take care of itself?
I saw the toll it took on my brother.
Taking care of his dad and having to deal with things no child should deal with.
Still he pushed on.
My baby brother had more courage than I did.
He had more faith in a man that had hurt us more than once.
My baby brother had more love in a man who messed with our feelings for more than 10 years.
It came to the point where Daddy couldn't move any more.
He had guard rails everywhere and the house was a wreck
My childhood home.
Where my knees got scraped on our gravel driveway.
Where our wagon flipped over and gave my brother a scar on his forehead
Where we had over 10 dogs and named each and every single one of them
where we woke up to a rooster and fell asleep to the crickets
The place that showed us a sign of belonging somewhere in this twisted world
That childhood home had two meanings however.
The other was the home that became my mother's prison.
Where she wasn't allowed to do anything without permission
Where she and my father fought about everything.
Saying words that shouldn't be said
Thinking thoughts that shouldn't have been thought
And in my father's case, talking to other women that were not my mother.
That house was like a safe haven in the middle of a battlefield.
Like a dungeon that was part of a castle in a sky
My room was the only place where I could curl up in a corner, put my hands over my ears, and try to drown out the bullets and the pain.
This house represents now the place that my dad took his final breath
When my brother held him in his arms.
My baby brother resuscitated my dad several times before life was taken away for the last time.
His last few breaths were taken in my baby brother's arms
and still my brother didn't give up.
I thought I hated this man.
But the moment I got that call.
My heart froze.
This man had loved me for over half my life.
and I thought I hated him.
But that day that he died.
I haven't cried so much in my life.
Friends comforted me but NONE of them knew how I felt.
To have completely missed out on an opportunity to love a family member that made so many mistakes
To have missed out on the fact that I have only had one true father, and my stepdad was it.
My friends tried but none understood my mistake.
I hated a person that only ever loved me.
To this very day I put up this mask.
"I don't care"
"Whatever"
" He was nothing to me"
When in reality, I think about him every day
He had his faults, many of them.
He treated us like crap
Be what he was, he was my father.
And today marks the one year anniversary of when he closed his eyes and never awoke again.
Today marks the day that I failed at the mission that God had put me up to. To change this man's life.
I can't stop thinking of all the regrets that I have.
Of disrespecting and ignoring my "other life"
Of disgust and of un-forgiveness.
I just feel so held back all the time.
From the same feelings of anger and of asking the question: "Why?"
My first step is remembering the good times and forgiving him for all the bad ones.
I love you Daddy.